Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Confessions

It's Christmas Eve. However, due to family having to work or visiting in-laws, today was Christmas in the Hardeman household. It was fabulous. But in light of the sweet baby Jesus' birthday, I have a few confessions to make concerning this Christmas season.

1) I gave gifts with ulterior motives. I love giving gifts but I especially love giving gifts that I will benefit from. Selfish? Maybe. Baby Jesus understands. Thus, both parents received books that I plan on reading and my nephews received Beauty and the Beast, my favorite Disney classic. (possibly because the heroine is a book nerd looking for adventure) I talked it up so much that Vander was pretty pumped to watch. But then somehow most of the movie was watched by me, my dad, and my brother-in-law.

2) Until 3 minutes ago, I thought the expression was "alterior motives."

3) I fell asleep in church. Three times. In my defense, I was up super late doing the traditional last minute wrapping session and stuffing stockings. Plus, the choir sang numerous very slow Christmas songs and there was a pretty lengthy prayer. The good thing about falling asleep in church though is that people assume you are super holy and must just be feeling the Spirit move...until you jerk back awake.

4) I polished off a bag of chocolate covered pretzels in church. My motives were pure here. I didn't want to fall asleep and I figured these would keep me awake. (I typically keep a book and snack in my purse at all times for emergencies such as these) I had to suck all the crunch out of the pretzels so the people around couldn't hear me chewing but I felt quite irreverent when I was sucking on one and then the pastor began to pray. It just felt wrong to be enjoying chocolaty goodness while we prayed so I stopped and was left with one very soggy pretzel. At least I stayed awake.

5) I discovered today that I cannot clap. I thought I could clap in church as long as I didn't try to sing at the same time. However, my sister-in-law informed me that she kept getting distracted by my clapping that was off beat. I am transforming into my mother.

6) I let the boys eat an exorbitant amount of chocolate so I could sit and rest. I love hide and seek. Truly love it. Especially playing with a 2 year old and 4 year old. My spots are genius. I hid under a towel in the bathroom and made them both scream when I jumped out. It was awesome. However, I can only play for so long. Huddy had been begging everyone to open his candy cane full of Hershey kisses but his mom said, "no." While hiding in the shower, Vander figured out how to open the forbidden fruit. I stumbled upon the two guilty boys splitting up the chocolates and was at a crossroads- do I tattle and confiscate the goods? Instead, I quietly slipped downstairs to enjoy a quick rest and watched The Christmas Story, feeling only slightly guilty. About five minutes later, Heidi found the boys with their cheeks stuffed with chocolate. I felt so guilty that I confessed to my rat of a brother who announced that I let it happen. I got him back by tickling his face with dental floss.

7) Speaking of The Christmas Story, I confess that today I'm mildly afraid of red-headed boys. I think this fear stemmed from that awful bully and his frightening laugh. Also, I'm pretty sure I was traumatized as a child when Ralphie gets his tongue frozen to the pole.

8) I cringe every time I drive home at night in December. Why? Because this is right across the street:
and I can't help but mock the tackiness. Those terrible neon lights light up my hallway.

9) I struggled shopping this year. I'm not sure if struggled is the right word but let's just say that strangers laughed at me, honked horns at me, and raised eye brows at me. I was so swamped with basketball that I didn't even start to shop until the 22nd and did it all in about 24 hours. It wasn't my smoothest of days.

First, I tried to shop in a new area and got terribly turned around and couldn't find the parking structure where I had parked. After a sweet, elderly Indian man twisted my arm and convinced me to buy a freshly baked cookie, (he just asked if I wanted one) I said, "Oh, alright...and by the way, do you know if there is a parking structure around here?" As I made my way to the structure, I passed a WalMart and decided to pick up some wrapping paper. But now I had a warm cookie waiting in my purse and I couldn't let it get cold. Another landmark decision needed to be made. Do I buy wrapping paper later and rush to the car where I can privately take out my Invisalign? You see, when I take out the trays, it is just plain nasty. Saliva strings cling to the trays and there is definite slurping involved. It should never be done in public. But the cookie was getting colder by the second and I looked around and saw the typical WalMart crowd and thought, "I'll fit right in. Surely there'll be no judgment at a WalMart." So I pulled those suckers out and slurped....and definitely got some disapproving and disgusted looks. It's bad when the WalMart crowd disapproves of you.

Next, I headed to a different center and didn't notice that I was driving on the wrong side of the road in the parking lot. I got honked at. And not a friendly, "beep, beep, look out" honk. He/She laid on the horn in a loud and unnecessarily long, "I'm pissed at you, you incompetent fool" honk. I laughed it off but I may have blushed. "Focus, Katie. Come on." I actually said those words aloud.

Later that day I decided to brave Target but wanted to avoid the crowded streets so I did what anyone would do. I rode my bike. However, I didn't realize until it was too late that I had two flat tires. (I clearly wasn't Miss Observant on this day) Also, I had to buy some bulky items. By the time I left the store, it had gotten dark and I had a giant thing of kitty litter in my basket, my purse on one arm and bags filled with toys on the handle bars. I wanted to avoid a potentially awkward moment passing pedestrians so I was in the street when the baby doll started to slip. I swerved and the kitty litter threw off my balance and I came very close to falling. Cars swerved. Cars honked. Strangers shook their heads at me again.

After wrapping and wrapping and wrapping, it was 2 in the morning and I realized I still needed some things from Toys R Us. Heidi had told me it was open 24 hours and I thought, "I am actually quite curious to see who shops at 2 AM." So I went. Not surprisingly, I discovered the typical, seedy WalMart crowd plus lots of bored cops and I actually had to wait in lines to check out.

I think I might shop on-line next year.

10) I plan on stealing tomorrow. Actually, we don't call it stealing. It's "hopping" and it's a bit of a family tradition. Since my mom will be at the hospital saving lives and Trent will be keeping the streets safe, and everyone else will be with other family, my dad and I will be enjoying Voyage of the Dawn Treader, then The Fighter, then True Grit. Not the typical way to celebrate the coming of our Savior but a party nonetheless.

If you're interested in seeing pictures Heidi took of the Hardeman Christmas day, click here and no, I don't know why I made the pirate expression when Trent and I were flexing.

Hope you're having a very Merry Christmas!


  1. I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't clap and sing at the same time!

    Merry Christmas to you!


  2. My reasons for the back-to-back comment rule breaking are two fold:

    Fold one: ULTERIOR motive? What the? And who the? My truth has been rocked.

    Fold two: I have always been afraid of red heads and have never even seen The Christmas Story.

    Sub-fold: Remind me to tell you about that one time in church when I guessed the contents of vomit correctly. Never have a been so proud.