Monday, January 3, 2011

Classroom Confessions Part 2

I have never been drunk. In fact, I can count on my hands the number of times I've had alcohol and most are because I didn't realize what I was drinking. My aversion to alcohol is partly because I abhor the taste of all alcohol and partly because I was raised believing guzzling it was like sucking from the teat of Lucifer. That being said, I think I know what it must feel like to be drunk. And I taught my morning classes today feeling drunk with no filter and now I'm a bit embarrassed to return to class.

I have one of those "kill-me-now" dizzifying colds where snot is incessantly dripping and I cough like I'm hawking up a lung. My mom gave me her antibiotics which I later saw were actually not even hers- they were prescribed to the daughter of her friend. The only possible explanation for my behavior this morning is these pills on a semi-empty stomach. After lunch I was fine. But three classes experienced Katie Hardeman uncensored. They typically only catch glimpses of my "quirky" side but today they saw not only the Katie my family knows, they experienced all my odd thoughts unfiltered. Admittedly the mind of Katie is bizarre. I use a large filter. But not today. And I knew by their faces and giggles that I was being weird but I just could not stop. It's slowly coming back to me now.

Here's what I remember:

* I should have known I was a bit loopy when I couldn't remember the prayer requests during devotions. There were only three. Today's "devotions" was also me reading a friends' facebook status update which had a cool quote.

* I forgot two students' names and said, "Hey, what I have been calling you all year?" Poor Allison was called, "A" all class today because I couldn't remember if it was Allie or Allison.

* I did a very convincing impression of Cuba Gooding Junior in Jerry Maguire. After shouting, "Show me the money!" several times, they still had no idea what I was quoting. When I told them they said, "Oh, do you mean Lizzy Maguire?" My response: "Oh you silly kids, no. Jerry was Tom before he went crazy."

* Speaking of movies, I also vaguely recall imitating the old woman from Princess Bride and exclaiming, "Booooooo!" I don't remember why.

* I also sang a song from a movie but I don't recall which song. I just remember a girl saying, "You're feeling quite musical today, aren't you?"

* I smelled Orange Trident gum and blurted, "Who is chewing Orange Trident gum?" in a very accusatory tone. A sheepish-looking boy tentatively raised his hand and I said, "Sick. That gum smells like cat pee. Spit it out." Truthfully, it does smell and I have a sharp nose for cat pee. (except when I'm completely clogged up like this past weekend when I didn't notice that Dotty had peed in my friend's bag. Sorry Rachel!)

* I was later informed that I pet a girl who got a haircut over the break. I don't remember that but I do remember stopping in the middle of a story to compliment a girls' new bangs.

* I asked what page the vocab lesson was on and when poor, sweet Evan said, "page 69," I replied, "Wait, what page?" and after he repeated it, I giggled.

* I remember telling the story of when my cat peed in my face but I don't remember what got me on that tangent. It was a different period than the cat pee gum.

* I usually toss highlighters out to kids but today I experimented with a new "windmill" throwing strategy that I thought was genius but got some raised eyebrows. I also made them rethrow the highlighter back to me if I didn't catch it the first time.

* I told the kids who forgot their flashcards that they suck at life.

* I also told one mouthy boy that I wished teachers could still use rulers. (truthfully, I've said that when I'm totally lucid. They know I'm kidding. Sort of.)

* Speaking of lucid, I remember blurting out, "Hey, I was right. Lucid IS a word." More raised eyebrows.

* I remember coughing into my scarf and then explaining that I was going to invent a scarf that can catch your coughs. "But I guess that's just a regular scarf, huh? Oh well. I'll still market it and make lots of money. You'll see me on commercials one day."

* Possibly the low point (or high point for period 1) was when I was having a coughing attack and needed to suck on a Halls. "Okay, you guys I really need a Halls. But I have to take out my Invisalign. I usually only do this in front of friends. But you guys are my friends, right? Watch how gross this is." And yes, I showed them the stringy spit and slurped nice and loudly. I sucked on the Halls until the middle of the lesson when I said, "This is gross," and spit it out into the vocab book. I later discovered it stuck between the pages and shook my head at myself.

During my prep period I called my friend Jenny. She was in the hospital having contractions and still answered and told me I sounded like I was on drugs. It really should have been the other way around.

That's all I remember. By the time I got to practice, my whole team was giggling. When I asked what was up with them, they informed me that everyone was talking about how weird I was in class. Wonderful. This really must be what poor drunkards experience the day after they've humiliated themselves. I spent four months creating the illusion that I am professional and I shot that to bits with one unfiltered, sick morning.


  1. haha that is just AWESOME! I hope my kids have a teacher like you some day! and I REALLY MEAN THAT!

  2. Katie,they were antibiotics!

  3. I'll have to tell you about the time I, in a moment of desperation, took Nyquil before I went to school...lucky for me, first graders don't have enough vocabulary to accurately describe what their teacher is like on drugs! :) It happens to the best of us teachers - other professionals can just take a sick day without having to plan for a sub!

  4. I don't know when I have laughed so hard. I am hurting, Katie. Hurting.
    Thank you. Thank you.