My sister's friend is a lawyer and told us about the most recent case where a man was chased by a young, local police officer, hid behind a corner with a crow bar, hit him over the head and took his gun. Witnesses heard him say, "You have my gun. Just go." But instead, as the officer lie helpless on the ground, the man shot him three times in the head. Police found him two days later wearing the same shirt with the officer's blood on it.
Just typing that boils up a rage inside me that brings up painfully stinging tears and I have to clench my jaw to keep from screaming. "Lord why? Why do you allow it? Won't you act!" In these moments, I don't want any of Christ's grace or forgiveness. I want only His wrath and justice. And I'm struggling because I know my God is a God of love but I also know that my God is a just God. I don't even want to forgive this man. I want him dead. I don't want him breathing this air. He is evil and I want him gone.
I struggle because I don't know how to handle these emotions that are bubbling inside of me. My hands shake with rage but at the same time, I wonder what God is thinking as He watches me. I don't believe I serve a God who will allow this type of evil to go unpunished and so here's what I think He might be thinking:
"Katie, I've got it under control."
"Katie, I am a just God. I understand your anger. I'm angry too. Punishments will be paid. I hate injustice more than you do."
"Katie, I created that police officer and love him and his family more than you ever could. I know their pain and I am with them."
I used to wonder if God grieved for us when things like this happened. Not because I doubted His love but because I thought, "He sees the big picture and knows the final outcome so maybe this doesn't even phase Him."
But then I remembered how Jesus wept. He wept when he found Lazarus dead, not because Lazarus was dead, but because he saw the pain of those he loved and he wept for them and for their pain. We were not meant for this pain. We were not created to die. It wasn't supposed to be this way. And the God who knit us together in the womb weeps for us when we hurt, even if our hurt may be silly or illegitimate. He still weeps. He feels our pain.
So as angry as I am right now, I know God is more. He weeps for injustice. I shake with rage over one incident. I can only imagine the rage He must feel for all those crimes of injustice daily happening. So though I have these troubling, somewhat disturbing emotions to deal with, I think they might be from Him. I think they might be reminders that there is such a thing as a "righteous anger" and we should weep for injustice. We should boil with rage. But this rage should also move us to action; to do what we can to prevent injustice but also to point others to the eternal kingdom where THERE WILL BE NO INJUSTICE. So many people are going to miss out on this kingdom and that is reason to weep. And reason to act. Reason to speak. Reason to point to Jesus. Every day. Point to Jesus.
I watched Hudson and Vander fight tonight. They fought over the nerf bullets. Neck vains were popped, fists were shaking and tiny hands were swinging because of injustice. Because Vander stole Hudson's bullet and it wasn't right. It wasn't fair. And Huddy was angry. I feel like Huddy right now. Except I don't have anyone to hit.
I used to swing at God. "You're to blame for this evil, God! Why do you allow it?" I've wrestled with Him about that issue but now I've stopped swinging at Him. However, I'm still stuck with this balled up a fist, wanting to punch someone.
But who can I hit?
I want to be angry at that evil man. I want him to die a slow, painful death. I don't want to consider why he is messed up. I just want him to suffer. But I know that if I actually saw him suffering, I wouldn't be appeased. It's not the man that I'm angry at. I have a bigger fish to fry.
It's Satan. He is down here screwing everything up and although we sure play a huge part and freewill blah, blah, blah...the fact is- this is not how it was supposed to be and we have a real enemy who is pure evil. I write things like that and wonder about the atheists and agnostics. They must think I'm silly. They must think I use this made up enemy as a scapegoat to feel better about having someone to blame. But, as Blaise Pascal said, "