Things that are BUGGING me

"I hate you so much!"

"Why are you here?"

"Please just go away and never come back!"

"How the heck did you get here?"

"I'm frickin gonna kill you!"

"Die suckers!"

"How's that feel?"

"How do you like me now?"

"Die! Die! Muuuahh ah ah."

I've found myself saying these lines multiple times in the past few months but the most common line I find myself saying is, "FREAKING ANTS!!!" I think the city of Artesia has some weird, mutant ants that have super-ant abilities and abnormally large brains to form these genius strategies to get any and everywhere in our house. How on earth did you get into my completely closed jar of peanut butter? How?

And why? Why are you in my closet on all my clothes? Why? I fear there might be a master, evil plan unfolding in our midst. I understand why you would bombard my roommates delicious homemade cake, but why oh why are you climbing on my pillows?

I came very close to swearing yesterday when I chomped down on a handful of peanut butter MnM's only to taste that awful, bitter taste unique only to ants. I spewed out the chewed candies and ants saying, "Oh sick, oh sick, oh sick! I'm FRICKIN EATING FREAKING ANTS!" and then noticed that the open MnM bag sitting on my lap was crawling with ants which were spilling out onto my legs. New levels of rage were reached as I went on yet another killing spree.

These brilliant, bothersome boogers have got me thinking. Not deep, intellectual or spiritual thoughts. Just thinking about things that bother me. I listed quite a few here but I have a few more to add.

* The individual stickers on apples. Are these really necessary? I don't need to be reminded what kind of apple you are. You are red or you are green. That's all I need to know and I can identify that with my eyes. Those pesky stickers are causing me unnecessary hassle. Now I have to decide- what am I going to do with you? Do I really have to walk ALL the way back to the trashcan to discard of you? I hate that extra walk to the trashcan so please, apple people, can we get rid of the stickers?

* Drivers who hesitate when the light turns green. I know you saw the light change because your brake lights turned off. I don't expect you to peel out but do you have a bunch of eggs balancing precariously on top of your car? No? Then step on it please.

* The juice on deli meat. What are you? Why do I have to pat my ham dry with a paper towel? And why are you sometimes stringy and gooey? You are weird and disgusting and if I didn't love ham so much I would avoid you altogether. (quick story: whenever I talk about ham, my brother Trent says, "I love ham," in a very deep voice. Why? Because he's mocking me. How? Because when I was in high school I went to the fridge for a post-Thanksgiving snack. I thought I was alone in the kitchen. Not only did I talk to myself, I spoke in my scary man voice with a lisp and said, "I love ham" as I reached for the leftovers. Unfortunately, at exactly that moment Trent had snuck into the kitchen and rolled over laughing.)

* The buzz of a fly. This sound infuriates me. Here you are puking and pooping everywhere you land and now you're flying right past my ear buzzing your irritating buzz, mocking me and reminding me of your nasty presence. Back off fly. I might not bust out the swatter if I don't hear you. Speaking of swatters, last week my mom grabbed the fly swatter and started doing slow-motion swinging motions in the general vicinity of the fly. "Seriously Mom? Have you never killed a fly before?" Right as I mocked her she actually made contact with one. I think he flew right towards the swatter because he thought he could land on it since it was moving so slowly through the air.

* The involuntary squeals and squeaks from my stomach digesting food. It's not grumbling but it's working hard and making noises that sound way too close to a fart. Unlike a fart, these cannot be controlled or held back. Plus, you can never just ignore this sound. You always have to explain because you know everyone has heard. Point to the belly and say, "that was my stomach." Although I LOVE when this happens to others, I am not a fan when my own stomach is loud and creating awkward moments that I cannot prevent.

* The spinning colored wheel on macs. I hesitate to complain about this since I can hear Trent's "I told you so" already. He is an avid PC promoter and mocks us cool mac users and though usually I will defend you to the end, when that little colored wheel starts to spin showing me that it is "trying" to accomplish a task, I want to pull my hair out. I literally yelled at it this weekend to "STOP SPINNING!"

* Unsuccessful snot rockets. I had one malfunction on me during my morning run today and was left running half a block with a giant string of snot swinging from my left nostril. Now the dilemma: do I wipe it with my shirt or my hand? Or do I try to keep blowing in hopes of dislodging the stringy snot? This decision must be made quickly or else the swinging snot will inevitably cling to my cheek. If I do wipe with my hand, where do I wipe my hand? On my shorts or a bush or a wall? I went with wall this morning and was left with an index finger covered in snot AND dirt. Perfect. (This is similar to stringy-spit-syndrome. I hate when I don't realize my spit has turned to string and I'm left with a giant line of spit stretching all the way across one side of my face.)

Now it's your turn. I had so much fun reading all your comments about Halloween costumes and candy and even though the comments were mainly from my immediate family after I threatened them, I still appreciated it. This was a simple post to write because apparently, I am easily annoyed and a lot of things have been bugging me lately.

How bout you? What's been bugging you?