You Live In Katie's World

My sister is my best friend. She knows me better than anyone else. Knows when I'm annoyed and trying not to be, knows when to leave me alone and how to cheer me up. She tells me when my toenails are ugly or my outfit doesn't match and she thinks I'm funnier than I actually am. However, it was not always this way.

There was a period in our history that I refer to as "the years when Heidi hated me." We shared a room for years but when she hit junior high, she got too cool for her little sis. She got her head gear, started listening that crazy music by Chicago and moved into the guest room. I remember being hurt but then excited because I got to put up all the cat posters I wanted to. We went to separate high schools and had separate friends. I don't have many regrets but one that I do have is that we weren't close sooner. Well that and I regret ever wearing as much make up as I did in the following picture. It is one my most embarrassing looks and I cringe looking at it even now but too funny to not post. Sorry Heid.

During this stage when we weren't friends, Heidi had a bunch of classic teenager moments. When my parents were late to pick her up from the house, she would sit on the curb and scowl at the world. I remember being amazed by how often and quickly she could roll her eyes. I think I even practiced rolling my own like she did. She used to say, "RRRRer, retract those claws" when I got angry at her for reading my Hello-Kitty diary. One of her favorite lines to say to me struck a cord and I still think about it today. She used to say, "Oh I'm sorry I forgot- it's Katie's world. We all just live in it." At thirteen she had mastered eye-rolling and sarcasm.

Despite the dripping sarcasm from that comment, I confess that it is often true in how I perceive the world. God has been reteaching me this lesson this summer and it has been humbling and freeing and absolutely wonderful all at the same time.

I once heard a sermon by Francis Chan with the following analogy: we are all extras in the epic movie about God's redemption story. We are allowed to play tiny parts in this masterpiece and it is an honor to be allowed the two seconds in which we pass by in the background of the movie about God and His plan for the world. It would be beyond silly to claim that the movie is about us. In the grand scheme, we play tiny roles all designed to bring Him glory. However, we (now I'll switch pronouns in case you aren't as self-centered as I can be) I often live as though the movie is all about me. I forget why I am here on earth and that is when I am impatient with others, don't offer grace, and get annoyed.

The grand irony is that when I make life all about me, my life sucks. People don't treat me like I want them to. Others get in the way of my plans or don't meet my expectations. My problems and worries are magnified and I am often upset because things aren't always going my way. What a terrible way to live and yet, I often fall into this trap and forget that it really isn't my world and life really isn't all about me. I'm understanding more and more why John the Baptist said, "He must become greater, I must become less." (John 3:30) Why is this so hard for me? I know that I must become less and yet and I continually try to steal the spotlight and make the movie about me. As long as I am making myself the star of the movie, I am failing to fulfill my purpose here on earth. This idea is the core of one of my favorite songs by Shane and Shane called "The Answer"

My happiness is found in less of me and more of you.

I have found the answer is to love you and be loved by you alone.

You crucify me and the world to me

and I will only boast in you.

Indeed, when I focus less on myself and more on my Savior, I am happier. I am happier because my worries don't seem as significant in the grand scheme of God's plan for the world. I am content playing my small, 2-second role as an extra because the star of the movie loves me and has let me play a role and has thus, given my life purpose. My purpose is to glorify Him and point the world to Him by how I live. My purpose is not to make my life comfortable and fun.

I was reminded of this while reading A Wind in the Door this summer. Yes, it's a bit of a fantasy book written for kids but it was full of biblical themes as evidenced in the following passage:

" The temptation for man is to stay an immature pleasure-seeker. When we seek our own pleasure as the ultimate good we place ourselves as the center of the universe. Man has his place in the universe, but nothing created is the center."

One of Satan's ploys to get me to stop serving and stop surrendering is to convince me that life is all about me- that I am the star and I should be trying to attain as much pleasure for myself as possible. Satan and society whisper this lie to me every day and thus it is a daily struggle to remember that I am not the star- that I have great purpose but it is not about me. It is about my Savior, the true star.

I was convicted by Brennan Manning's words about humility in his book Ruthless Trust:

"A poor self-image reveals a lack of humility. Feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, inferiority, and self-hatred rivet our attention on ourselves. Humble men and women do not have a low opinion of themselves; they have no opinion of themselves, because they so rarely think about themselves. The heart of humility lies in undivided attention to God, a fascination with his beauty revealed in creation, a contemplative presence to each person who speaks to us, and a "de-selfing" of our plans, projects, ambitions, and soul."

God gave me a glimpse of myself this summer which was scary. He revealed how much I think about myself and make life all about Katie. He also showed me how in the moments when I had an "undivided attention to Him," burdens were lifted. When I paused and allowed myself to wonder at His creation, my worries seemed small. I've been trying to practice this "de-selfing" this summer and take a posture of humility that I've lacked for so long. I've been trying to let go of my plans, projects, ambitions, and soul and let God have all of me to use as He sees fit and it has been hard. It has been hard giving up my role as the star.

I resonate with the Psalmist who wrote, "Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law." (Psalm 119:109) I want to be completely surrendered, yet I see my tendency to forget why I'm here. I want to make life all about God and making Him the center, but I so easily forget and so often make myself the center of my universe. I want to live as an alien and stranger here on earth, fully aware that my citizenship is in heaven, but so often I live as a resident- as thee star resident of earth.

Francis Chan had this to say on the topic in his book Forgotten God:

"It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But it's absolutely vital to grasp that He didn't call you there so you could settle in and live out your life in comfort and superficial peace. His purposes are not random or arbitrary. If you are still alive on this planet, it's because He has something for you to do. He placed us on this earth for purposes that He orchestrated long before we were born (Eph. 2:8-10). Do you believe you exist not for your own pleasure but to help people know the love of Jesus and to come fully alive in Him? If so, then that will shape how you live your life."

The battle is an unseen one but I feel it waging. The battle for my allegiance. Will I live today for myself or for my God? If I forget that I am fighting a battle, I will live for myself. Thus I have to make a conscious effort to begin each day in surrender and asking for reminders and strength and wisdom to live in a way that makes God the center instead of myself.

Another irony in relearning this lesson is that while learning it this summer, I decided to start blogging again. Seems contradictory since I'm making a whole page all about myself- my stories and my thoughts. However, I hope that this blog points to Jesus and not just myself. That is my intention. Even when I write about trivial life moments I hope it is clear that I am a slave to Christ and am living, breathing and typing because of Him and for Him.

If you know my sister, you know that she too is a servant of the Lord. She is one of the kindest people I know and is more generous and genuine than most. She is humble and patient and compassionate and joyful. She might not have been all these things when she was 13, but who was? Okay Jesus was but who else? Thanks Heid for being the big sister who pointed out when her little sister was being a self-centered brat.

I have a bunch of really awful and embarrassing pictures of Heidi and myself growing up but since I already used two, here is one normal picture so others can see how beautiful my big sister is today- nine months pregnant and gorgeous. Clearly the yodeling outfit did not do her justice.

I know it's NOT my first year teaching at Valley because...

I showed up to our first staff meeting 30 seconds before it started looking like a sweaty mess. Two years ago I stressed out the night before this first meeting because I didn't know what to wear, who I would sit by, or what impression I would make on people. I could potentially be meeting my future husband so I had to look cute and not be awkward. This is not as easy as it sounds. I still remember being at a women's retreat with my college roommates and we were determined to make some new friends. Jenny said, "Guys, we have to try to be normal." Three potential new friends sat down. We got excited. Potential friend # 1 called a guy a "tool" and Lesley said, "What, like a hammer?" Then Jenny said, "I just looooove cherry pie" for no reason at all. If that didn't scare our potential new friends away, we must have lost them when we stopped the car and made Lesley get out in just her underwear and run across the highway to pet the horses. But I digress. My point is, it's not easy to force myself to be normal and not awkward. I hate trying to impress people and love that I don't have that pressure at school any more. This year I went for a morning run right before the meeting and didn't even leave myself enough time to try to cover the massive zit on my chin. The pictures below are of us trying to be normal. The first one is with the girls we attempted to befriend. Don't worry Lesley- I promise I won't post the other picture. Please notice that I am being much more normal than Jenny and Lesley. The second is with the president of Westmont. I can't remember exactly what awkward lines we said to him but know it was something along the lines of, "Gee Mr. Gaede, you're famous."

When I accidentally prank called the principal, I didn't freak out. My elbow hit a button and I looked down and noticed I was calling the principal's office. I quickly hung up and began brainstorming other ways I could purposely prank him. He still has no idea that it was me that stuffed his mailbox full of shredded paper last year.

When the principal said, "I'm sure you all had interesting summers," the single Bible teacher whispered to me, "yeah it was, I lost my virginity." She was totally kidding. If I had been drinking milk, it would have shot out of my nose. I love that I've established relationships and have such a fun group of people to work and laugh with.

I went home at lunch to make a sandwich and watch Seinfeld. I know you might be thinking that I should be hanging out with this fun group but one of the perks of having established friendships is that I don't have to hang out when I don't feel social. Plus, the "how was your summer" conversation is getting old already. I might start making stuff up.

I left a meeting just to walk around because I was bored. I plan on doing this much more often. It was so freeing- like discovering in college that you don't have to raise your hand and ask to use the restroom during class. I did not get as extreme as my cousin who went to the "bathroom" and was gone for 2 hours. She's been at Valley longer than me:)

I ate eight cookies at the break. Actually, if it was my first year, I still would have eaten eight cookies but I would have done it very covertly- going back several times, each time pretending to notice the goodies for the first time. By now, everyone knows that I eat a lot so I piled my napkin high with all sorts of goodness and had no shame stuffing my face.

I was able to be my immature self. I made ugly faces at people across the room and laughed at people when their stomach's growled awkwardly loud. I tapped people on shoulders and then moved to their other side. I love when I don't have to pretend to be more mature than I am. The following is a conversation I had this summer with a girl on my team concerning the freedom I now feel to be myself.

girl- "Coach, I'm really glad I don't have you as my teacher."

me- very offended, "WHAT? Why?"

girl- Well I could never take you seriously. I would be laughing at you all the time.

me- still aghast, "You had me when you were a freshman and didn't laugh at me all the time."

girl- "Yeah, but that was when you hated America and were annoyed by all us entitled Americans. Now I know just how weird you actually are."

me- "Touche."

I love that I am past that awful stage in my first year when I did rather despise living in America. My students clearly noticed a difference.

I love that I don't have to worry about making first impressions on the teachers and can be weird around them. However, I will be making first impressions on the incoming freshmen. I've toyed with the idea of dressing in a jean jumper and being a jerk on the first day just to mess with them. It's crazy how many assumptions and judgments they will be making based on how I speak to them about the syllabus.

They have no idea how weird their new English teacher is and I don't think they'll find out on day one. Don't worry- I do use a bit of a filter so although I might teach them how to do double chins, they have no idea just how strange I really am.

I hope that on our first day next week I will be able to communicate to my kids right away how much I care about them. I hope that they will not think I am annoyed by them (even if I am) and I hope they will feel loved when they are in room A1.

People I Recently Misled

While some call it "lying," I prefer "mislead" or "exaggerate" or "omitting the truth" because the ten commandments says nothing about these...right?

MY DENTAL HYGIENIST- she asked me when the last time was that I had been in for a cleaning. I confessed the truth. Seven years. But then she gave me a look of such surprise and horror that I added, "But I've been flossing." It's sort of true. I had been flossing....that week and solely because I knew if I didn't my gums would bleed like crazy and I would receive a stern lecture about the necessity of flossing. For the last seven years though? I'm pretty sure there was a 4 year span when I didn't floss once. Clearly she saw through my lie when she looked at the x-rays and saw my 3 root canals, 17 fillings, 4 crowns, and missing molar.

THE MAN SELLING BREAD- He was a bit of a creeper and when I left he said, "Don't be a stranger." I replied with, "I won't." I have full intentions to remain a stranger.

MY NEPHEW- He asked if I wanted to play superheroes and I really didn't feel like it. I can only be lightning girl so many hours a day. However, I am the aunt and rule number # 12 in my aunt-handbook is "never say no to playing" so I said, "Of course. I think there are some bad guys on the roof we should go take care of." In the picture we were being superheroes and I was playing the role of "captain underbite." ps- goggles make swimming so much more fun. I wondered why Vander keeps those ridiculous things glued to his head but it makes the underwater world much more fascinating. It enabled us to eat pancakes and spaghetti underwater. (apparently little boys aren't into the "tea parties" we girls like to have)

THE JANITOR- I must preface this "misleading" by admitting that he TERRIFIES me. He is the only person to ever swear at me...except for drivers and opponents on the basketball court. Oh and my roommate once but she didn't know it was me- she thought it was some other idiot driver pulling their nose into traffic. Sorry about that Jen. So clearly I was a bit intimidated to ask him to borrow a ladder but I was in dire need of one and he is the guardian of all ladders at the school. After getting the courage to ask for one, (okay, lets be completely honest- I asked the Athletic Director to ask for me), I arrived at the shed to discover a smiling janitor with the short ladder proudly displayed. I needed the tall ladder. Did I tell him this? Absolutely not. I smiled, bowed, and vowed to return it as soon as possible. He then asked if I was using scotch tape to hang posters. My response: "No way. I know that ruins the paint. I use the putty the school provides." Bold face lie right there. I tried the putty but it doesn't work. However, I don't actually use scotch tape so I felt good about not lying about that. No, scotch tape isn't nearly strong enough. I use the heavy duty tape that will DESTROY the paint when I pull it off. Oh and I've hammered a good 36 nails into the wall but what he doesn't know won't hurt him. However, I still was stuck with the short ladder which would not do the job so I found myself in a bit of a pickle. "Misleading" often leads to such pickles. I returned the short ladder to the shed and contemplated how to get the tall ladder. Should I act like a grown-up and just ask tell him the truth? Nah. I chose to sneak into the forbidden janitor world, found a huge ladder covered in spider webs that is used for outdoor painting, and quickly carried my contraband to my room where I came quite close to falling and breaking my neck. Oh the lengths I will go to to avoid the truth.

MY TEAM- While driving the 15 passenger van around the streets of San Diego for a tournament, I got completely lost. After about 20 minutes of random turning, the girl riding shotgun asked, "Coach, do you know where you're going?"

Me- "Of course."

Her- "Really? Because you often say things with confidence when you're actually lying."

Me- "Remember when your shot got blocked last game and everyone laughed"?

THE LADY WHO RANG ME UP AT A STORE- I bought a bunch of necklaces and she asked if they were gifts. They are all for me but I told her yes. No one likes looking materialistic AND selfish.

MY FRIEND'S MOM- She came out in a dress and asked if it made her look fat. I know what you're thinking. But you're wrong. I lied and agreed with her daughter that it DID make her look wide. Truthfully, I thought she looked fine but I realize I have much less fashion sense

than Stefanie so I was a "yes man" and let her mom feel fat. What a jerk.

A HOMELESS MAN- Yeah, you thought I was joking about the "jerk" comment. I recently visited Jenny in Santa Barbara and while on State Street, a homeless man asked me for a quarter. I told him I didn't have any change but I did. I had a wallet full of quarters for meters. I kept walking and didn't give him a second glance and then justified my actions because he smelled of alcohol and was just going to use the money for beer.

YOU- He didn't actually smell of alcohol. I just didn't want you to judge me for not caring more about the homeless.

And herein lies the root of most all my lies. I want to save face. I want to put up a front that I am more loving, compassionate, selfless, and cool than I actually am. So I lie, or mislead, so people won't see how messed up I actually am. So they won't see the side of me that is awkward and selfish and vain and proud. Brennan Manning spoke exactly to this tendency of mine in his book, Ruthless Trust.

"Thus, we present to others a self that is spiritually together, superficially happy, and lacquered with a sense of self-deprecating humor that passes for humility. The irony is that while I do not want anyone to know that I am judgmental, lazy, vulnerable, screwed up, and afraid, for fear of losing face, the face that I fear losing is the mask of the impostor, not my own."

So I will try to be more honest and stop trying to present a false image of myself to the world.

7 Recent Awkward Moments

1. The hostess used an unnecessary loud voice to announce to the waitress, "It's only a party of one." Thanks ma'am. I'm sure the whole restaurant already noticed me standing by myself with my book but maybe there was a couple in the back who hadn't noticed me yet.

2. I said hi to someone who didn't hear me and kept walking. This isn't too awkward if no one else witnesses because you can pretend like it never happened. However, when someone else is there, you'll feel like a complete fool.

3. I didn't hear the question properly so I gave a response that didn't make sense. A janitor was speeding by on a golf cart and asked, "how was your summer?" For some reason I had assumed he was going to ask about the weather so I said, "Yeah, it's nice." Idiot Katie. The worst time I did this was when the president of Westmont was walking by just after my friend had smashed an icecream cone in my face. Apparently he asked, "WHAT are you doing?" but I responded with, "Good. How are you?" Actually, it was probably worse when my sister told me she was pregnant for the first time and I responded with, "Cool. What'd you do today?"

4. I made eye contact with a former student and we both pretended it never happened. I know kids get weirded out when they see their teachers in public so I can understand why he averted his eyes so quickly but I still don't know why I did. Unless I'm wearing my pajamas, I usually like to make the kid feel even more awkward and have to introduce me to whomever he/she is with.

5. I shook hands with an acquaintance who grabbed too early and only gripped my fingers. This guy is a loose cannon when it comes to hand shakes and high fives. The only other time I saw him, he gave me the windmill high five. So when he started to approach me with his hand raised, I was prepping myself for the windmill but instead, he went for the grab but clenched too soon and only got the end of my hand so I couldn't even shake. To make matters worse, this happened right in front of my brother Trent who loves to notice when I'm awkward and try to make me more awkward. I need to show this guy this tutorial on high five etiquette.

6. My roommate caught me talking to my cat. I didn't see her sitting in the living room but I did see Dotty. I did my typical greeting for my cat and said, "Sup Dotty?" as I waved at her with only my index finger. "What'd you say?" Crap. Why is she sitting in the dark? "Um...never mind." Snoe- if you read this, I said, "sup Dotty?" This was not nearly as embarrassing as the time another roommate caught me whispering "hamburglar" to myself. She was sneaking up on me to scare me and at that exact moment, I decided to see what it sounded like to say "hamburglar." She fell down laughing. And then she told all her Spanish classes about it. I had kids coming up to me all day whispering, "hamburglar" to me.

7. I ran right next to a stranger for a mile without speaking or acknowledging him. My rule of thumb for passing runners is as follows: once in close range, pick up the pace and race past them so they don't feel bad that they're being passed and you don't have to wave at them or attempt some form of acknowledgment that is bound to be awkward. This guy was not following my rule. He passed me but wasn't going too much faster. I decided I could push myself a bit more so I matched his pace. He sped up. So did I. He slowed down. So did I. He was stuck and we both knew it. He couldn't pass me and I wasn't letting him out of this awkward moment he had initiated. I can only wonder what was going through his head as we ran for a good mile and I kept my eyes focused straight ahead.

Dialogue with Dotty

Yes, Dotty my cat.

No, not the cat that peed in my face. That was her evil son.

Dotty was the one who peed in my gym bag in high school. Of course I didn't notice until practice when I had to put on a jersey soaked in cat urine and then pretended that I too had no idea what smelled so rancid in the gym.

I got her when I was 15 and named her after Dot from the Animaniacs cartoon. Yes, I watched cartoons in high school. Still do. Phineas and Ferb is amazing.

So why am I dialoguing with my cat? Truth be told, I do it all the time. You know, the basics- how was your day, Dotty? That sort of thing. Totally normal. And I found a highly entertaining blog this summer where the author has really funny conversations with himself. Not wanting to be a complete copycat, I decided to steal his idea and put my own spin on it.

Dotty- There's something in my litter box that needs to be taken care of.

Me- Yeah, I'll clean it in a sec.

Dotty- Okay, but if you don't do it soon, I might pee on your bed again.

Me- Geez Louise, cat, I'm trying to write a blog entry.

Dotty- Seriously? Again? Didn't you try that two years ago and wrote 3 posts then quit?

Me- Yeah, but I want to try again. I'm feeling more motivated.

Dotty- Why weren't you motivated last year? Nothing of interest to write about? I know you weren't too busy because I watched The Bachelor with you every Monday. Still can't believe he picked Vienna.

Me- Well random, awkward, and interesting things did happen but they just couldn't compare to the adventures I had every week in Mozambique and I couldn't stop making the comparisons. Then I read other blogs and got self-conscious because other people are much more witty and insightful than I and then I just started procrastinating...

Dotty- like you've been doing about getting me declawed? You've been talking about it for 2 years.

Me- Yeah, sorry about that. And then pretty soon, I forgot I even had a blog. This summer I read a really encouraging blog post by my friend Heather about how we should be declaring the Lord's goodness and telling other's about what He is doing in our lives. I heard a sermon recently where the pastor said our testimony should always just be a few days old because God will always be moving and working in our lives and teaching us new things if we are seeking Him. I realized that I really missed blogging about what God has been teaching me because it forces me to more thoughtful about what I'm learning and more conscious of how God is working.

Dotty- You lost me two sentences into that explanation. Are you going to clean my box or what?

So I'm back. I plan on being more disciplined about writing. I figure that while I make my students write in class about the themes in Huckleberry Finn or comparing the Montagues to the Capulets, I can write about funny, random moments in my life.

I may not be chased by three-legged dogs or homeless men trying to mug me. My life probably won't be in danger (unless I get hit by a car again while biking to school). Trips to the grocery store won't entail traveling through a national reserve park where lions and elephants roam freely and malicious monkeys try to steal your chocolate bars. My weekend trips won't be to exotic places like Swaziland. And my church services won't be as life-changing as they were in the village of Shiparango.

But my God is the same and still works in marvelous ways. And awkward moments still are bound to happen since I seem to be a magnet for them. (more to come in next post)

So I will attempt to stop the deadly act of comparison. Brennan Manning wrote a convicting quote that has helped me stop: "Any attempt to measure the value of our lives by comparison and contrast to others belittles our gifts and dishonors God by our ungratefulness."

I will attempt to stop procrastinating.

And I will just write...

Wearing God goggles...tomorrow

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite when I'm teaching.  I give out discipline hours for texting in class though I illegally text while driving all the time.  I mark kids tardy on a daily basis though I struggle with habitual tardiness myself.  I tell them to be kind to each other though I am not always kind.  I tell them not to do homework at the last minute though I am a notorious procrastinator.  In the middle of a "you shouldn't procrastinate" lecture, I caught myself and changed the tune of my lecture so it sounded more like this.  

"OK, I realize that no matter what I say a lot of you are going to wait until midnight to even think about this assignment.  Go ahead.  Drink lots of Mountain Dew and eat donuts.  That kept me awake in college while I pounded out last minute papers.  Some may tell you that you won't get as good of a grade if you do it at the last minute, but that's not necessarily true.  I used to thrive on the pressure of a deadline and pulled many all-nighters because of my procrastinating nature.  So go ahead.  Wait till the last minute.  However, if you are not good under pressure like I was, your work might suck and your grade will suffer.  Your computer might fail and I'll show no mercy because it should have been done sooner.  You might not be able to finish it on time and I'll mark it half off if it's late.  I'm not against procrastinating.  I myself do it all the time.  But if you procrastinate, be prepared to suffer the consequences.  All-nighters aren't as glamorous as they sound.  You'll look terrible the next day and fall asleep in your classes.  So think about it and you be the judge if you want to save this assignment for the night before."

As I lectured, I couldn't help but think of the "assignments" I was currently procrastinating on: writing a thank-you letter to my Mozambique supporters and updating this blog.  "I'll work on it tomorrow" was a thought that I had EVERY SINGLE DAY for about 7 months.  That is some hard-core procrastinating.  I started writing my "update letter" which you can find in the margins of this blog if you didn't get it, literally in December.  My student aide addressed the letters in March.  The letters went out in June.  Without a deadline, I had no pressure motivating me and took one year to send out a simple thank-you letter.   Geesh.

Same story with this blog.  I'll update tomorrow.  Okay, maybe this weekend.  When I get home from school.  Alright, tomorrow...for sure.  I'll just wait till summer... And so the battle continued but again, with the lack of motivation and accountability, I can put things off for literally a year.  Can think about it every day and still not do it.  I think I've taken procrastination to a new level.   I saw the pictured mug at my parents' house and laughed.  I should have stolen it because it is so perfect for me.  Maybe I'll take it tomorrow.

This "do it tomorrow" philosophy can become dangerous however, when there is no deadline.  Sadly, this mentality hinders my relationship with God.  "I'll read this afternoon.  Okay tonight.  Well now I'm too tired to focus so I'll read tomorrow."  And so on and so on and pretty soon it's been a week and I haven't cracked open the Bible once.  Hypocrite Katie.  I spoke in chapel about the importance of reading the word.  About how God took the time to send us this amazing note which can apply to every situation we're in.  About how if we really want to grow as Christians, we must be reading what He has to say to us every single day.  And yet, I don't.  I want to.  I truly desire to grow in my faith, to understand the Lord more, to love Him more passionately and serve Him more faithfully.  And yet I am still plagued by the "I'll do it tomorrow" mentality.  It makes me question myself.  Do I really want to grow?  If I do, why am I procrastinating in reading God's note to me?  Why am I putting off until tomorrow talking with my supposed best friend?  Is this truly procrastination or a bigger issue: a lack of faith?  I can't answer that right now but I do know that I am going to crack open the Bible right now and start reading.  I do believe that His word has transforming power so I refuse to procrastinate any longer in getting to know my Savior more intimately.

One lesson I'm continuing to learn is the importance and necessity of accountability.  I need friends to ask me what I'm reading and learning to ensure that I am constantly reading the word.  I rely on Heidi as a running partner or I would rarely lace up my shoes.  (side note: yesterday she swallowed a bug while running and made thee funniest gasping/wheezing/hurling type screech that I couldn't stop laughing for a good five minutes.) I'm writing this entry right now because my friend Katie called me out on my procrastinating problem.  I need that.  Thanks Katie.  I need people to call me out on things.  The other day my mom did it.  In the course of an evening I said, "Oh man, so-and-so drives me crazy."  "Oh gosh, they are soooo obnoxious."  "He is a major tool and drives me bonkers."  (Yes, I did use the word bonkers and if you're curious about the definition of a tool, click on the word to see Urban Dictionary definition.  The third definition is most applicable)  After my third comment, my mom said, "Seems like a lot of people are annoying you lately."  

That's all it took.  One insightful sentence to cut me to the core.  You're right mom.  The issue wasn't with the annoying people around me (because they are indeed plain obnoxious).  The issue was with me.  How am I seeing others and treating them?  Do I see them as God does or through Katie lenses?  Katie lenses are kinda terrible.  I can be easily peeved if I look at people through them.  Years ago God started teaching me to see people as He does.  When I'm annoyed, I need to slip on His lenses or rather, my "God goggles" and ask that He would help me see them as He does.  It changes everything.  The tool of a man that I want to slap appears as a beloved son of God who finds himself funnier than he is but is dearly loved and made for God's purposes.  The mean, old lady whose smile looks like a snarl softens dramatically when I have on my God goggles.  The annoying aren't so annoying when I wear these goggles.  

In order to be an effective teacher and enjoy every day, it is crucial to have a pair of God goggles.  My students are sweet and entertaining but if I forget to remove my Katie lenses, they can be awful little monsters.  

This post was supposed to be about procrastination.  I was trying to apologize for my negligence with this blog and promise to update more often.  At some point I forgot why I was writing and went off on a tangent.  Clearly I'm out of practice.  Now it's time for me to quit procrastinating and go read.

Confessions from the Classroom

I kept a blog while in Mozambique to share with my supporters what was happening an ocean away. I always intended to start a new one when I returned to America. The problem is that for a few months I was suffocating under the cloud of "reverse culture shock" and had no personality. No one wants to hear from a bitter critter ranting and raving on a blog. Plus, teaching English and coaching basketball was so overwhelming for a while that I would repeatedly let myself collapse into the fetal position in the teachers' lounge when no one else was present. I would arrive home after dark completely drained.

Now, however, basketball is over, the cloud has lifted and I feel like writing again. My Mozambique blog had become my journal; my spot to record and reflect on what God had been doing and teaching me. I've missed that. The blog held me accountable to strive to learn new things and forced me to acknowledge God's presence in my every day occurrings. I miss these times of reflection and thus, keeping a blog has become somewhat of a spiritual discipline for me.

Since my first year at Valley is almost over, I thought I'd share some confessions thus far from the 2008-2009 school year.

1- I confess that I almost burned down the school in September.

During 2ND period it suddenly began to reak of burning hair and got super hot. "Miss Hardeman! Something is burning!" "Miss Hardeman I'm sweating." Crap. Terrified that my flags which I had hung over vents were causing an internal fire, I did what any rational person would do. I calmly evacuated the class and told my aid, "Yeah, could you find the janitor and tell him I think room A1 is on fire? Thanks." We practiced vocabulary while I kept one eye on my class, all the while waiting for it to burst in flames. Turns out someone had accidentally flipped the switch which turned on the heater which smells like burning hair and turns the room into an instant sauna. Here are pictures of my second period class on character day and class color day. The monkey and chicken are hilarious but both have major ADHD and drive me bonkers.
2- I confess that during my Freshman English class I wrote "victum" on the board.

Of course those eager beaver freshmen quickly shot up their hands, "Miss Hardeman, isn't victim spelled with an i?" "Why yes, yes it is. Good work." It's times like these I wonder how it is that I am an English teacher.

3- I confess that I laugh out loud often when students are reading and I am checking e-mails.

This is mainly because there is a group of teachers who communicate with each other throughout the day about the super important educational issues like students farting in class. One of the greatest things about Valley are the teachers- there are a bunch of girls/ladies who are hilarious. They recently let me in on their secret ploy to distract the ultra-annoying. They send that kid on a wild goose chase to find a certain color object. For instance, most recently the poor soul was looking for the "purple folder." He was sent to one room to find it and that teacher, in on the plan, sent him to another teacher, who sent them to another. 15 minutes later the hyper chap is tired out from walking all around campus and returns empty-handed and still clueless. I can't wait to try this out. The first picture is of four teachers (2 are my roommates) dressed as the cast of Gossip Girl on character day. The second picture are the very professional teachers chaperoning the sports-themed Sadies.
4- I confess that I let loose a blood-curdling scream in class yesterday.

Usually I try to act tough and don't reveal that bugs creep me out. I lived in Africa so surely a few creepy-crawlers won't phase me. Wrong. Last week there was a spider on Jessica's desk and while she squirmed, I bravely squished it with a tissue, secretly screaming and cringing inside. So when 3rd period pointed out a giant daddy long legs clinging to the whiteboard, I confidently strutted to the board, removed my flip-flop and 'SMACK!' Except I missed. "AHHHHH!!!" It flew right at my face so I ducked, covered my head and screamed so loudly that I scared the kids who weren't watching. So much for being tough.

5- I confess that a few months ago I screamed so loudly a teacher came running to check on me.

Luckily no students witnessed this embarrassing moment. I had gone to the bathroom to change into my practice clothes and during that time, Trent, who is my assistant coach, showed up to my classroom and decided to hide and scare me. Oblivious to his arrival, I threw open my door, waltzed into my room, and Trent jumped from his crouching position and yelled "ah!" He was rewarded with my loudest and longest scream ever. I literally flew into the air, jumping away from him and landed in the fetal position and then finally stopped screaming. He collapsed into laughter and I remained curled in the ball, letting my heart recover and laughing so hard I was wheezing and tears streamed down my cheeks. Thankfully I had just emptied my bladder and had dry pants.

6-I confess that a student will be getting a disgusting surprise in a few weeks.

A few days after the infamous scare, Trent brought tamales to my class which we scarfed down before practice. One problem. No napkins and no silver wear. We were both sitting in desks so I grabbed the vocab book under the desk, checked the name- Arielle, thought, "perfect," and proceeded to wipe the green tamale sauce on the pages near the end. Trent pointed out that it appeared as though someone had covered the page in crusty boogers. My only regret is that Arielle switched classes at the semester so I won't get to see her look of horror when they get to Unit 12. Here she is looking smooth as he points at the camera but her facial expression will be quite different when she finds my surprise.

7- I confess that I give special attention to the girls on my team when in class.

Yeah yeah we are not supposed to have favorites but after spending countless hours with them, I have a special bond with these girls. I nearly gave Kari a heart attack the other day when someone handed her a piece of gum. I happened to be standing close by so I smacked her hand, sending the gum flying and yelled in my best German accent, "No gum in class!" (I actually do let them chew gum but couldn't pass up the chance to scare her)

8- I confess that I jumped off the desk 62 times to get the cover picture just right.

Not exaggerating. Literally- 62 times. I have the pictures to prove it. It was a two day photo shoot because I was sweating so much after jumping off the desks 40 times on day one that the sweat was showing in the pictures. The thing is I was too embarrassed or proud to ask someone to take the picture for me because well it's kind of a strange request and I knew it would take quite a few takes. So I opted for the self-timer which means I have over 30 pictures of me knees bent, standing on a desk staring intently at the camera, ready to pounce. Or pictures where I'm about to jump but just look like I'm walking off the desk. Proof.

For awhile I was using my cane as a prop because I thought it looked "crusader-esque." I later decided it looked a little too much like a weapon and combined with my facial expression, I thought this next one might scare people away. I also had to stop using the cane because I landed on it in one of the shots and broke it in two.

Then I have about 10 pictures where I've already landed, way off in my estimation of the timer. I look so reeediculous in these that I just have to share them with you.









The next is possibly my favorite shot because my injury was caught on tape. For some reason, while in the air, I forgot that my feet needed to land first and I landed on my knees and got major rub burn. My knee was all torn up and I had a good laugh by myself, thankful no one had walked in.

It was probably the most exhausting photo shoot ever. Trent can attest to my obnoxious habit of retaking and retaking and retaking the same shot until I get it just right. While in Europe he usually let me try about 5-7 times before he gave up and walked away, leaving me to take a picture of myself and some major landmark. Speaking of, since my fingers are itching to write, I've resumed the Europe blog and will be periodically posting the stories of our 30 day adventure at Trent and Katie's European Extravaganza. Now for my final confession.

9- I confess that I hated Valley at first and lied through my teeth about it.

Today I can say in all sincerity that I love teaching at Valley but this was not always the case. When I've described the effects of "reverse culture shock," I've often said it feels like a cloud was hovering over me. I wasn't depressed but I was not content. I felt out of place, lonely, and frustrated, all the while putting on the facade that everything was great. It wasn't great. Not only was I adjusting to the American culture, but also to the "Christian school culture" and it was like being sucker punched by a double whammy. I missed Africa. I missed my students and my life there and I didn't like my white students. They all looked alike and for the first time, I couldn't remember names and couldn't relate with the kids. I had no problem remembering Ji Soo, Sun, Ping, He, Hun, Ude, and Oko and other syllables thrown together to create beautiful names but Lauren and Kristie? Nope. Couldn't remember for the life of me. I would have been friends with these students when I was in high school but one major symptom of reverse culture shock is that one gets frustrated with their home culture. So here I was, surrounded by very white, often very spoiled Christian school kids and I didn't like it. "Why God? Why not just bring me back to Rowland? Did I make a mistake? Did you really want me here? If so, what were you thinking?" Fortunately for me, God is not offended by my questions and doesn't give up on me when I shake my fist at him or doubt Him.

I questioned God's wisdom and I was often angry with Him during this time, but I knew He was leading me somewhere. I knew He was teaching me something and if I could just endure the unpleasant period of adjustment, I would experience the rejoicing that comes in the morning according to Psalm 30:5. Unfortunately, the "weeping" that remains for a night, lasted longer than just one night. It would take months for me to readjust and the cloud to lift.

So I gritted my teeth, shed many tears, curled into the fetal position numerous times and endured a very lonely, frustrating season of life. I knew James had said to consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith developes perseverance. (James 1:2) but I did not consider it joy at the time- how I could I be joyful that life was sucking? Now I know how. I do consider it joy now that I struggled through that rough time because I did indeed develop perseverance. I see now that God was working on me- maturing me in the midst of my misery. First Peter 1:6-7 says, "...though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." In hindsight I can see that indeed my faith was being refined and proved genuine. I don't fully understand how those months of suckiness will bring praise, glory and honor to Jesus but I do know that I came out of those months with a greater understanding of Christ's love for me. It seems I learn the most and grow the most when I am weakest. I guess I can understand a bit more what Paul meant when he said, "I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:10)

By the start of second semester the cloud had lifted and my fake smiles were exchanged for genuine ones and I finally felt like my quirky self again- ready to socialize with others and genuinely enjoying my students. However, I'm fearful that now that the cloud has passed, I will fail to acknowledge my weakness and will rely on my own strength again. It is so easy to do this in America. In Mozambique, I had no choice but to rely on Him but here it is so much easier to be self-reliant and ignore God. There is such danger in this because I can already envision myself tyring to steal the glory from God whenever there are accomplishments in my life. I fear that I will fail to recognize my intense need for Him. So although I am so incredibly grateful that the "season of suckiness" as I like to call it, has passed, I hope that this does not mean my faith will grow stagnant. I hope that my faith will continue to grow and I will not start believing the lie that I can do anything on my own.